about her

I still have so many things to tell you but today we will take a break from the lessons. By the title, you would say that I will write in the coming rows about a girl but you are somehow wrong. Is there something in between the lines here? maybe yes, I don't know. I know that this post is for my soul. I have nothing to say about my love life, nothing to say about my professional life, I have something to say not about but for, my soul.

By the time I am going to hit again publish without reading twice how and what I've put here it will already be 01.06. This date it's the international day of kids and for me has an extra meaning.

For you to understand the context, I was mostly raised by women. My grand-grand mother and my aunt and in weekends my mom and dad. This day is about her, my grand-grand mother, she would have been 100 today but 17 years ago she passed away. We have a saying that mother is the one that raises you not the one that gives you birth.

She was my extraordinary person and I never got the chance to say THANK YOU. At first sight, you would have been tempted to say that she was a simple person from a village that moved to the big city, but she was nothing like that. With just 4 classes she moved to the big city to follow her passion and learn how to sew. And trust me when I am telling you that she was damn good at it.

She raised her brothers, 4 kids, 4 nephews, and 1 grand-nephew (me). That's a lot so by the time she started with me, you might say that she was an expert. I was her reason from the day I appeared, her husband had passed away not so long ago before I was born and therefore you might say that I was her life jacket at that point.

She was reading every morning, without missing a day, 3 newspapers and she was a self-thought person and yes she was damn smart. Smart in the way that she had the capacity to learn stuff and she was growing every day, not like the stupid people you have today looking at Antena 3 (i had to make this comparison just for you to understand). Before I even knew how to write she thought me mathematics by playing with me a game called "cabinet" and soon after she started sending me to the market in order to buy the groceries and all that. The best part was that I was getting a reward and so she thought me that in life you need to work nothing drops from the sky. Later on, in life, my aunt asked me to help her with the accounting and I was getting 50 bani for each document. I worked my ass off when everybody was out playing just to have my own money for the weekend.

Coming back to my grand grandmother, I never got the chance to thank her:

- for all the stories about the second world war that made me love history so much; 

- for encouraging me from the 1st grade on the 1st of march to buy trinkets for all the girls because it's a sign of respect and if you are looking at me from up there, I am still doing it even today

- for the 4th grade when I learned about Valentine's Day and I explained to her what it is and she thought me that we have Dragobete that it's the same. Still, she understood the new ways and when I told her that I want to write a personalized card for each girl in the class because they all deserve to feel special she encouraged me. Thanks to her I've learned that it doesn't take to much to make a person smile and we should all try to do it more.

- for the fact that she gave me money for my first date ( towards the end of the 4th grade) and she told me to kiss her hand when we meet and then even if she wants to pay for her juice for me to be a gentleman and stop her in the way and paying. I understood since then that a woman has to view the man as her equal and that the men has to be there to respect and take care of her.

I could continue for pages but I think that I can summarise it all by saying thank you for shaping the man I am today. 

Self-confidence was never my strong point when it comes to relations but when it comes to school and later on work, watch out, I have too much of it. She was the one that told me " Even if you are saying some stupid, keep your head up high, nobody was born knowing everything". Just imagine how this shaped me. :)

She was joking very often saying that she will die and every time I was getting mad and I was telling her that she will leave enough to see me get married have kids and that my kids will have a grand grand grandmother. She was smiling every time and maybe because that's why she was "torturing" me with this. 

I am still thinking of you so often and I am so sorry that I didn't get the chance to thank you for everything and to tell you in more words how much you meant to me. I hope that from somewhere you are looking at me sometimes and that you are proud of me. I am not there yet, I know, I had my fair share of stupid doings and I am sure that you would tell me some words but all and all I hope i didn't disappoint you.

I miss you so much, I love you.

01.06 forever in my life, tattooed on my skin and in my heart.

THANK YOU "MAMAIE"

3rd lesson: about happiness

I know I started my first lesson with "cry" and that's how it should be. Maybe because we are born crying or maybe just because we cry when we are extremely emotional, when we are excited beyond expectations or when we are sad. It's a constant in our lives and it shouldn't be overlooked but it should be taken deep inside just like a breath of fresh air in a cozy autumn evening.

What is happiness? at this moment for over 2000 years, people tried to understand it and explain it without any luck. It's different for each one of us, somewhere maybe it is just like the 5 languages of love as it is very connected to love, maybe. I think that it's the moment and what you need in that exact blink of an eye second. Let me explain a bit.

Walking down the street alone and listening to your music and just taking a look at the sky and a deep breath, just enough not to trip and fall. A second of calm that gives you energy for one day of storms.

Going to your loved one office just to say hello. Her/his smile will be everything and it will seem that everything that happened in your day was actually nothing.

Walking by a street musician and stoping for just 2 minutes from your race just to listen to him. Calm and positive you will get that head start in your race although you will be tempted to say that those 2 minutes can be used otherwise.

Holding your loved one hand and feeling their touch will make you feel protected but ready to face any danger.

Being at a concert in the middle of the crowd and just closing your eyes and taking inside the peace. Just imagine that you can actually have silence and feel the music int he middle of all that beautiful madness.

Waking up in the morning next to your loved one and by just looking at her/him realize that you are complete and that you don't need anything else.

Being polite/nice with a total stranger and how their face will light up it will actually make you feel good also.

Getting a massage in the morning from your loved one will make your heart race just thinking that you were the first thing in her/his mind. You being the sender will generate the same feeling on the other side and also it will make you feel good because you shared your feelings.

The list could continue for pages but what I am trying to say is that it is all about the moment. The most precious gift we could give somebody is time as it never comes back. It's the only thing that you can give and it can never be recovered. Funny how that is true, we can offer happiness and it costs us seconds. You might say it's cheap or it's expensive. If you offer it to yourself it's never too expensive. You will be tempted to say that when you give you seconds to another person it might be too expensive if it's not the right person or if they don't appreciate. First things first even the strongest person deserves kindness and maybe your second will be the thing that will change them so why not try. It will cost you 1 second to change the mindset of a person that in return will offer seconds to others and them to others and so on till back to you. How do you know that they don't appreciate if you don't do it or you did it and think that they didn't appreciate it because you didn't get the expected reaction? Trust me when I am saying that deep down they appreciate it but don't know how to express it to they don't realize at that moment how much it means and they will appreciate it later.

Happiness it's not a decision it's choice of giving. And maybe sometimes you will feel so heartbroken that you will not want to do it, but how will you get out of that if you don't give so that something returns. You will have your moments of sadness and confusion but you need to remember that it takes only 1 second to put a smile on somebody's face and somehow that will put a smile on yours. So I say to you that from those 24 hours 1 second can change the next 24 hours.

It's not about being strong, it's not about suffocating your emotions; it's about being vulnerable and open. Allow yourself to be surprised every step of the way, bad or good it's still a surprise. Now think for a second about this. Put your heart in the right place. 

Maybe sometimes you will be scared to give any second to a person because you will think that you will be too pushy and they will run or maybe they will turn your second down. Take a deep breath and face your fear. You might be right and it's their problem not yours because giving seconds makes you happy just by giving them if you give them honestly or you might be wrong and your second will make her/him wanna give you a second back also. Just imagine happiness at that moment.

So you see, the "what if" keeps us from giving seconds and when you keep your seconds just to yourself they lose their value. And your heart it's the best banker ever it encourages you to give those seconds while your brain will sometime trick you just like a thief stealing your happiness.

Happiness is a feeling not a state of mind.

Give and you will receive seconds.

2nd lesson: be you with you

I will not say be ok with you as my honest desire for you is to have moments when you will not be. Often we say that the experiences in our life are the ones that are changing us, a job failure, a broken heart, a deceiving friend, and so on. F*** NO, all these things and many more can happen to us but if we don't learn anything from them it will be like they never happened. So be you with you even if sometimes you are not ok because only like this you will change, you will grow.

I am coming now to an end to the first week without social media since social media appeared. I will not say that is bad and all that other crap. It's bad how we let it affect us, it's bad how we allow it to change our personalities, our principles, and our ways of thinking. It's bad that most people want to paint/post a perfect life but they don't want to show who they are and worse than this is how people are not realizing this and are starting to fantasize about fakes. Fairy tales are inspired by reality and they show only the beauty from those thru stories. Why because we need the perfect picture and to look at it as an objective and to strive for it every day. Here is the thin line reality sucks sometimes but we must try every day to achieve that fairytale, we will never make it but at least we will try to have a beautiful life. The problem today is that we have too many fairytales and we get scared of reality. What do we do when we get scared instead of learning and doing better, we hide and we get frustrated that our life is not so perfect like we see in this big flood of perfectly painted stories. I want a fairy tale and I promise myself that I will get there and yes I am a dreamer. Coming back to my social media break, usually, I am very active and post a lot so I wanted to see if what I've considered ok to post 1 week ago I still want to post it today. You may call it a self-education of my impulses. 

The first impulse, 

what to do with the time that was used for browsing social media? Read. 

What to do with all the cool quotes, pictures, places, experiences, and so on that you want to share? Keep them there and see if you want to post them later on. 

How will you know what are your friends doing? Call/text them. 

How will you know what is your crush doing? get some courage and contact him/her

How will you know what is your ex up to? if you really want to know you will reach out and that means that you still care so you will figure something out. If not, then you really don't care.

How will you know what is happening in the world? Read some news.

And I really don't know what else are you using social media for, but really now, there are solutions to anything you want to do.

Personal results: discovered some shit about me and I really got the time to think about them as I should have, maybe a long time ago. But then again it's never too late or the right moment. It seems that now it was. I did some reading. I had more walks. All and all it's interesting.

Coming back to lesson nr 2...

Just for you to understand the above deviation regarding my social media break. People around me are making fun of me that I am posting to many quotes, well I found them interesting and I want to share them, who doesn't like it, unfollow, that easy. I heard it a few times that thru what I am posting people know when I am upset, stupid me forgot that I need to paint a perfect life. It's simple to unfollow, unfriend, i couldn't care less, it's not my objective to become an influencer and please everybody.

You are not here to be perfect, you are here to be a new best version of yourself every day, for the people you love.

You will make friends and you will lose friends, don't fall in the "we know each other since we were kids" trap. Just like romantic relationships you need to find the best ones for your soul, the ones for which you want to be a better person. Friends should help you evolve not keep you in the same place. Friends should tell you when you are stupid and to be there when you fall. It's an exchange. If you accept this process you will be able to make huge changes in your life, you will meet fantastic people and you will be another person with their support. Trust me when I am telling you that you will find the ones for your soul. As for the old ones they will be a part of your life forever but not in the same manner.

Relationships as in romantic ones, oooooo, they will be beautiful. 

You will meet a lot of girls/boys and I am sure that the most important advice I can give you is to never mess with somebody's feelings.

With some of them, you will only exchange contact info and nothing more. With others, you will go for a coffee and stop there. With some of them, you will have meaningless sex. NOTE: always were protection, that shit kills. With some of them and just a few, you will think that you can build something but you will figure it out pretty fast and it's better to say stop. Never be selfish and stay somewhere because you are bored or scared to be lonely. Try to figure it out fast so that you don't hurt anybody, TRY. 

With some you will fall in love, yes they will be more. Yes, the one exists and you will feel it. Maybe you will get absorbed and you will continue a relationship because you love her/him but life has a funny way to bring it to an end sooner or later in order to make some room for the one. Ugly note that nobody says in fairytales: you will realize this in some time not from the beginning, you will realize this after a few fights and it will burn like hell. Shitty note: you might be so stupid that you will lose her/him. You will suffer and you will abuse lesson 1, for a while you will feed your soul with the hope that what's meant to be it will be and eventually I think you will move on. 

Funny little story: When I was a kid I worked as a guide in Turkey. And in my second year there a couple came and in their booking, it was written honeymoon. You can imagine that I already planned some cool stuff for them before their arrival. To my surprise, when I picked them up from the airport, they were pretty old (around 60). Struck by curiosity I booked an evening for me to spend it with them and to learn about their story. They were highschool lovers for a while but somehow it didn't work. Each one followed his steps, had a family, everything the full fairytale you might say, but independent. One day they met each other again at the market. Have in mind that since their romance they never talked again. After they met each other again after so many years they lost their second day in the park and decided that it's their time. They divorced and got married to each other. 

So we might say that what's meant to be it will be although some efforts must be made, some hearts maybe will get broken, but never say never.

In each of your experiences, you will suffer, you will feel deceived and trust me when I am telling you that there is no shame in using lesson 1 and being vulnerable. Maybe some will laugh, others will laugh with their friends, others will think that you are crazy but you know what you will be you and you go to sleep with a full heart knowing that you showed your true colors. Maybe one will cheat you with a friend of yours, you will feel so bad and think that you are loosing 2 persons but actually, you will earn yourself a lot. You will understand this after a lot of tears. Maybe one will just cheat. Maybe another will lie. And the list can continue but you must listen to your heart even if it hurts even if people laugh. Your heart knows somehow when to stop.

The important thing here is to change. Don't think that you are perfect. Don't think that you are a good person and they are stupid because they lost you. Don't bury your head in the sand and complain that bad things happen to you. Try and understand why, analyze yourself, and see where did you make your share of mistakes. In a relationship, there are always 2 people and each one makes something that makes the other do something else and so on. If you don't find the middle it will end but not because of you or the other but because of you both. You each have your share of responsibility. Sometimes you will be lucky enough to realize where did you go wrong and fix it, other times it will be too late and it sucks. Because you could have done better and had an amazing time together or you might have kept the one next to you. again the shitty parts are that you can realize a big part of these things only after a while, most of the time.

What I am trying to say is that is very important to be opened, be you. The catch is that if you will be opened you with you and towards the others you will either have a shorter period with them but more beautiful or you will keep them forever. When I am saying this I am talking about friendships and relationships alike. 

Tip: you will realize and change a lot of stuff about you when the right people are around while when the wrong people are around you will not learn anything and you will end up later on hurting the ones that are right. I know it sounds shitty but somehow this how it goes and I hope that you will be smarter and pay more attention so that you at least try and break the loop. 

LEARN=CHANGE always, people change and you will change but you need to be you with you. Be you with you, real, honest, open, learn, change, be better. Never be scared to be vulnerable because the most important things are discovered when we are down not at the imaginary top.

Like Freddie Mercury said "Where Your Heart Like A Crown"

1st Lesson: Cry

I always dreamed of writing some advice for my kids.
Honestly speaking I don't have kids and I don't think I will reach that point in my life but then again if this is the written plan for me, may it be.
About my dream now. I think we live in a society in which we are building a very nice image because that's what is required. I am scared that we will reach a point where we will no longer know who we really are. Actually, most of the people are already there, they don't know that they don't know who they are. They let herself guided by out their friends do by out strangers are saying about them and so on.
The first advice would be: BE YOU, no matter what.
Now comes the lesson because being you will be as painful as hell. People don't accept it and don't take it easy, they will want you to fit and you will feel the need to fit. Don't fall in that trap.
CRY, whenever you feel it cry. You are not weak if you do it.
People will be mean and they will hurt you, cry, it will make you stronger.
You will fall in love. Well, here pay attention and run after that love that burns. You need to feel that it burns otherwise it's just the mirage of love. You will love many times but once it will be the real deal and you will feel it, trust me. On your trip whenever you say " I love you" stay true to your commitment and know that these words mean that you will respect her but also will mean that you will have to make some difficult decisions.
Going to the moment with the true one, I honestly don't know and nobody knows how you will know it but I can tell you that you will feel it burns. Don't fall in the books and movie trap, the reality it's different. Reality it's totally different but at the same time, I can tell you that they will never be able to reproduce in a movie or books the actual feeling. I really hope you will be lucky enough and that you will end up with her and you will build your own fairytale.
Life is tricky and for sure there will be conflicts and breakups, the world will not end. The real test of your love for her will be when you will have to stop trying as it only hurts her.
All through your life be a man, a real man that respects and when it comes to the end wishes the best and does the best for her.

CRY my kid CRY, let it all out. It hurts and maybe you think that is the end but nobody knows. Maybe it will be the experience that will change forever your interaction with girls or not. I wish for you to find her, find the one to be happy and whenever you will feel the need to cry, CRY.

P.S. I don't know what to say if I will have a girl or girl also. I can tell you only to look for the stupid honest working guy the rest will want you just for fun. H/ave you fun, but play the ones that want fun, not the soft stupid ones. Your father was once like this.

Nobody has a secret recipe but you need to allow life to surprise you every day. Bad or good, doesn't matter as long as it is a surprise.
When it hurts CRY.