autumn night

This is a modern short probably love story, but this will be up to you to imagine.

They were living in the 21st century, a century filled with opportunities, and with people that are living their best existence since humanity started. 

Out 2 characters "met" online as in this century of speed this is how things work. No need to say about their on-line story as what was more important for them was just waiting to happen.

It was one of those autumn days in which the sun is burning like in the mid of the summer but the trees are showing their yellow-brown colors and are reminding you that summer is over. All thru that summer maybe they had so many opportunities to accidentally see each other or maybe they did but never paid to much attention. One of those autumn Saturdays when the sun is calling you outside to walk around, to enjoy his last strong rays till next year. He was allowing this day to pass as he was no longer in a mood to make plans or to have expectations. She already had in her mind that her day will be awesome that her evening will be great but little did she know at that time. 

That evening had nothing special in-store at a first glance. The warmth of an evening that was announcing a cosie night was the perfect reason for anybody to go out. Not for him as he was roaming around social media without a purpose or he was just searching for the purpose. She was in a different mood, in a mood to go out with her friends and really take advantage of that night. It took just a insta story from her and a crazy moment from him in which he thought that this was the moment to see her eye to eye. He took some friends with him as courage was never his strong point when it comes to girls. He really wanted to see her and off he was at the same party. They never talked before, they just exchanged some likes but the energy of those yellow-brown trees somehow emboldened him that night to do more. He searched for her around an hour without any luck till the point he was about to give up when out of a sudden she appeared next to him. Maybe she was searching for him also or maybe it was that night that made them do it.

They met and he was simply absorbed by her, the party ended and it was like none of them wanted the night to end so they decided to walk around in search of another place. He was blocked he was not able to speak too much, he was so eager to tell her a lot but the words simply didn't want to get out. She was more of the quiet type but somehow with all their small talk and weird silence moments jut like teenagers they managed to create a connection. Although they didn't want that night was coming to an end so they decided to see each other the next day. The next day came and maybe his flower that he brought for her, maybe her smile, maybe what she said, maybe what he said made them finish the evening in a long kiss. A shy kiss, just like two kids that were having their first kiss ever.

Days passed and weeks passed and moths passed and the night between the years found them under the fireworks telling the other one "I love you" like it was a promise. It came as a surprise for both of them and it seemed as if they were so lucky to fall in at the same time.

Day by day they became closer closer, sometimes having the courage to tell the other important things and most of the time too scared to say what was bothering them as their past individual scars were still deciding their future. Their attitude towards each other slowly changed and by the end of the summer, they were splitting. How was this possible? where did they go wrong? 

That magic from that autumn night was still there and they found it inside themselves to get back each other but without discussing their scars their small problems that brought them to that point. Their focus was only on the big points as somehow they were sure that's where they were on the same page. You might say that they were stupid to think this but sometimes fear controls everybody. 

Shortly they decided to move in together, to create their world, to start building their own little habits that were making them both happy without realizing that those small things are still there. 

The end of that year found the frustrated with so many things but their were playing their roles as if nothing was hidden in the background, without any of them having the courage to talk about the elephant in the room. Little did she know that he was thinking about making things more serious but how can you even dream about something like this when their were both ignoring the elephant.

A few months later it all ended out of a sudden and somehow taking them by surprise they found themselves this time in the position to show their scars. They tried talking only after they broke up, they started displaying their scars only at that point but without realizing that maybe it was too late. 

It seemed that all the magic from those autumn yellow-brown trees shook off and they were not able to find their way back to each other. 

He continued to try and day by day hee grew more tired and disappointed that nothing worked and he was not managing to get to her. With every try from him, she became more and more distant and the insta stories that once brought them together and he was thinking that they were a message for him now he was thinking that this is how he appeared and that's how somebody new will appear. Sometimes she was showing interest in him maybe for the sake of that magic or maybe because she wasn't sure that the magic fell off from that yellow-brown autumn tree.

That summer found them apart and more distant day by day.

Maybe this is how a love story ends or becomes something much stronger. 

Maybe this is how the magic happens and the tree leaves turn from green to yellow-brown and fall off just to be green again and to prepare themselves for another magic.

Nobody knows.

4th lesson, part 2: about how it ends

Last night i got carried away by this topic without realizing that it will be a lot to say. A lot to say especially on the relationship part and that's why this section deserved her own post. 

So I have my notes from last night, my moody playlist on the background, and for this topic, I am going crazy and I will smoke in the house. Tip: light up a candle also, it absorbs the smoke, and tomorrow morning you will not wake up in a stink hole.

Here it goes!

Relationships,

this part is so confusing. Meaningless ones will come and go just like water and you will never think about how and why it ended because you never cared. It ends and that's it, maybe sometimes the other will get carried away very fast, like after one coffee, but it will go away fast so fast.

What happens when you love? nothing good, it ends every time and hurts the most. The tricky part is that you don't know when it ends as when you should stop, will get back later to this situation. I will allow myself to end with the most beautiful ending of them all

Just to be clear I am talking about love between normal people according to my standards. People who respect, support, and care for each other. I know some examples of couples that are offending each other as a sport and that is their style but I totally don't understand their type of love in which respect is ignored. I am talking about people who don't cheat although I've met some open-minded couples in my life then again it's beyond my understanding how can you love somebody and share your body or a kiss with others also. Maybe I am fantasizing a bit about the idea of normality and the following ideas, having in mind my experiences of being lied and cheated.

Although this part maybe it deserves a post by itself it's very hard to find a title for it or include it under another topic.

You might be lucky to be smart enough to realize that love is gone and although it will hurt you will choose to walk away. You have 2 crazy options:

- the one in which you look at the other and when you see them upset because of you, you don't care anymore, that's the sign you don't love that person anymore and you must let them be.

- the one in which the other person doesn't respect you anymore doesn't support you anymore, he/she is cheating and although it hurts like hell you find yourself to walk away as it is clear that the other one doesn't love you anymore but he/she is a stupid coward and doesn't have the power to tell it to your face that they don't love you anymore. You see the most difficult for us humans is to be responsible for our decisions especially in these situations, nobody wants to bear the responsibility of the one that chooses to end it. If you find yourself in this position and what the other did is causing a greater pain than losing him/her than it's clear. Don't rush I dear to say. Also, I know, and did it myself also, people that forgive and try more just because something there it's worth saving for them and it's ok. As long as you are ok with it and you don't use it as a bargaining chip and you leave it in the past and you both continue fresh with a silent agreement then it's ok. Don't let society or your friends or your family or anyone tell you went to stay and when to leave. Have in mind that everybody shares their opinion based on their experience and frustrations. 

And (drum sound) the fucked up situation when it ends due to any other reason than the core ones mentioned above. And just to make it more interesting you love the other but you don't know if they still love you. You want to get back together but they don't. And the cherry on top you want to get back together, they don't but they aren't telling you this straight forward as you chose a good person hopefully and they don't want to hurt you even more and they just wait for you to move on. Sounds awesome right? Well nobody knows as on the other side you have a person just like you, with a mind and would of their own in which unfortunately you cannot see. My honest opinion here is that if you really love her/him then you should keep trying to win her/him back no matter the frustration and pain because you might have in the future the most beautiful situation(see below). A saying goes that good things don't come easy, good things take time, and so on. 

But still, for how long should you still try? A simple answer would be as long as your heart tells you to but along the way you need to take care of your brain if your heart is already fucked for a while or maybe forever if you found the one. Taking care of your brain means that you should pay attention to some signs from the other side and don't go over the edge. Otherwise saying it, stop it before the other call s the cops :)))) or the ambulance :))))). Trust me I've heard about some crazy people and saw some cucu ones also. I am repeating that I am talking about what I consider normal according to my standards.

Aaaaa the signs? maybe I should give you some examples although they are not relevant but maybe there is something hidden there that might help you.

- captain Obvious: she/he doesn't answer anymore to none of your texts or phone calls

- captain Cronos: she/he answers only when she/he has time, you're no longer a priority

- captain Ignorance: you still talk but only about things that are happening to her/him and your experiences are ignored

- captain Care: you are there for her/him and you offer moral support but when you need the same there is no availability

- captain Help: you offer your help instant to her/him but when you ask for it you are ignored

- captain Life: you find out from here and there that she/he is moving on with their lives and maybe with another person but they don't bother to tell

Plus many more but the army might have some other type of soldiers also that don't help you to much:

- captain Pride: she/he would like to contact but she/he is too proud to make the first move

- captain Confusion: a mix of all the above in both positive and negative way, like the saying, goes " one hot, one cold" (Romanian: una calda, una race).

Nobody knows you will be the only one to know and you might wake up one morning and say it's enough and that's it, it really ends for you also.

The most beautiful situation is when the two become one and they stick together like the glue thru good and bad. They continue to love, respect and support each other until the end. They build each day their life for two at the start and then for them and their kids and their dog and then for their grandchildren and if they are lucky enough for their grand grandchildren also. Life is a bitch and will choose to take one of them sooner leaving the other with the suffering but it will be leavable, you know why? because of all the memories of bad and good times, because of the kids that will visit once in a while, because of the grandchildren that will run around the house bringing back sweet memories of what their love built.

Very important don't judge a possible outcome by your past experiences as we are humans and we change every day and in your front, you have a totally different person from the ones that scared you in the past. One important note here for my future baby girl and my future baby boy, don't fall in the stereotype trap! if I or your mom would have guided our lives on them you two would have never existed. Hopefully, this line someday will make sense and my future wife will look at it, smile, and kiss me.

Never run away from your heart. Good night!

4th lesson, part 1: about how it ends

There a lot more "lessons" coming just to be clear about this and for you not to get confused by the title. Endings are something you should know more about as early as possible as they will fuck you up for a shorter or longer period. Also, the endings, are the ones that will leave scars.

We might think that it's pretty straight forward but actually, it's way more complicated. The first thing we have to say is that there are no happy endings, it just depends on the perspective. 

Movies will mess up your expectations with their happy endings and don't rush to throw stones at them because we as humans we need fairytales in order to make it through the day, in order to feed our hopes. What I am trying to say is that we need to feed our hopes but also have in mind the real end so that when it hits us the scar is not a fatal one.

On some points is easy:

- a movie has a clear duration and you know that after a certain time it will end, funny enough a lot of times you will have the impression that it was to short or that they could have continued it just a bit more. Sequels were born from this as we need more time off everything.

- a song you know it will end after those 3-4 minutes but because you like it you will abuse the replay button

- food ends you buy more

- your phone or any other device has a life period but the ugly part for our mind is that we don't know when it ends and it will always catch us by surprise and we will be left for a while without a phone or without TV or without the washing machine and so on

And the list can continue but I think you catch the point that things end.

Life, 

even if we talk about our own or our dear ones, it will always take us by surprise. Maybe there will be situations in which it will be expected but we will still be taken by surprise. How it ends? dramatic -death. If we die our dear ones will suffer, never doubt this. If somebody dear will die it will put some deep scars on you and you will suffer a while and you will suffer each time you remember them. It's ok to suffer, cry, scream. Never listen to people that tell you to go over it. Be ready for it by trying to live your best life every day as you don't know when it ends. Be ready for it by telling your fear ones that you love them and by talking and spending as much time as possible with them as we never know when it will end, we just know that it ends.

Friendships,

yes, they end also. Maybe because one of you cheated the other trust or used the other. Most often because you evolve differently and you don't have the same life principles and objectives anymore. Don't be sad, I know it hurts and you think that you have your friends for life but people change. Don't give up on your friends but when you choose different moral paths to go away suffer and move on as on your new path you will find better friends. I myself, for example, lost 4 friend circles till the age of 35 and with all of them I was like family but different paths were chosen and talks and advice started to sound more like words of an enemy. I suffered each time and moved on and I learned in some very bad ways this lesson. When I am saying it's ok ok I say it because now my friends are awesome and I love them and I really hope we will remain like this but who knows?

Relationships,

this part is so confusing. Meaningless ones will come and go just like water and you will never think about how and why it ended because you never cared. 

What happens when you love? nothing good, it ends every time and hurts the most. The tricky part is that you don't know when it ends as in when you should stop.

I just realized that a deep dive is needed here and I will continue it tomorrow night.

hope - trust

Hope is a very sensitive thing and I think we have it every day in every small thing that we are doing. We are either aware or not that in the deep back of our brain we generate hope in every situation for a result that would please us.

You got to the market hoping, unaware, that you will find what are you searching for otherwise you wouldn't go.

You start talking with somebody in a club or social media hoping, unaware, that she/he is an ok person, and something more can happen between the two of you.

You learn in school hoping, unaware, that you will get a high grade.

And so on, we could continue on and on, with examples in which we generate a hope without even being aware or wanting to do so.

I think the tricky situations are those ones in which the hope comes uncontrolled and we are aware of it. Maybe tricky is not the correct word as we can call it messy, fucked, disturbing, heartbreaking, and so on. This sucks because even if we are totally aware of it, this is no small thing and we cannot control it.

All these false hopes are so tangled in our mind and they all come to a basic thing, trust.

What I am trying to say is that hope is the one that makes us suffer the most but still this is the beauty of life I dare say. If you start controlling your hopes therefore who and how you trust you will start judging people based on false information and maybe you will keep away some extraordinary people or you will end up hurting them.

Let me tell you a short tangled story composed of more individual stories in which I hope that none of my acquaintances will find themselves as I assure them that it's a mix of so many people stories that I know.

There was a boy that consumed his teenage years being in a relationship where he wasn't supposed to be anymore. They continued for so many years stepping into adulthood just because in their minds they were a power couple and they were getting along so great when they were together. But what was happening when they were not together? he was searching for something else and he was finding the one night things pretty often while she was trying to know more people. At a certain point, they realized that they have to stop and by "magic" the next week she was already with somebody else and he was doing exactly the same. They spent so many years feeding the hope that was in their mind and in my opinion this is a false hope.

There was a girl that loved a guy so much, she was seeing her future next to him, building a family and everything. For him it was casual and he had self-trust issues so he was deceiving her expectations every day as he was so sure that he cannot find better. She got pregnant and shy, with her head in the ground told him hoping that he will be happy; his answer was: You need to get an abortion. He didn't even go with her. What an asshole. With all this, she was still believing that they will do it together. They broke up and you could guess who was the one to immediately find somebody else, get married and have a kid. You are right the asshole. Later on, the girl managed to follow the same path with somebody else. But, just put yourself in her place and all her hopes so many times when the dude could have been honest with her.

There was a boy that believed in love and soon after his teenage years he fell in love with an easy girl. That type of love that consumes you. You can imagine that it didn't last too long and this is a good thing but how this impacted his beliefs, who to trust, and where to put his hopes to work. All this got radically changed for him just because somebody wanted to play.

There was a girl that her greatest desire was to love, be loved, and have a family. Continuously she hoped with every new person that was coming in her life that he will be the one. Her hope and dream never allowed her to take a better look at whom she was trusting her soul every time. All admiration as she continued to hope for this but i am so afraid for her that she will end up again in disappointment.

There was a boy that trusted and after each disappointment, he was promising himself that he will not do it again but to his luck, he was shortly realizing each time that he doesn't have to mistrust other people just because the ones from his past deceived him. Teenage love cheated him with his friend. He forgave them both and not so late she tried again with her just to end up at the same point, she cheated with as strange this time. Young love got interesting for him as she cheated him like 3 times till he decided to stop.  And it's not even about the fact that he got double-crossed, it's about the fact that he trusted those people and they preferred to lie to him. So he tried to change the pattern and asked only honesty in return, told his story, and asked to be taken care of only with this thing, requesting a simple thing; if it were to happen for any of them to tell the other and decide from that point. Guess what ? he got lied and cheated. The bottom line is that with all this he continued to trust and asked in return honesty not lies for the sake to not brake his soul as he knew he was strong enough to take it.  I hope he will find her if he didn't already.

There was a girl that chose to trust and to hope maybe too soon at something more just to discover that he was not there and instead of telling her straight forward he decided to try and cheat.

I have so many stories of this kind gathered thru the years and they all have this one thing that generates the other hope-trust. Looking around me I see that social media plays its role in these situations more and more. People lose trust when they shouldn't because somebody else in the past did to them like this. We have our lives displayed there and it's only normal when we love that we want to share it but what happens when it ends? Some people delete everything and they cut all ties. Others save the pictures on an external drive as it was a part of their life and it's somehow normal to still have those pictures. Others let the pictures in plain sight and they claim that it's part of their past and they will not remove it (i was this stupid) without realizing that the new person in their life will be hurt by this. Others just hide the pictures on their profile or restrict them from their current relationship.

It's all a lie and we are all cowards, we hide with excuses for ourselves for the others, for the person next to us, But how can we expect to build something beautiful when we start with a lie? I really think we should all start with trust as hope is there in both cases.

Hope keeps us going and trust is the image of our hope. Honesty hurts but from that pain the most beautiful stories start.

Just to close, I am going to give you something to think about. When my mom met my dad she was dating another guy and she told this to my dad. Right after she broke up with the other dude and got married to my dad and I appeared. Morals behind the story? She could have kept that info to herself as there was no social media or anything else that could expose her, and brake up with the guy and never tell my dad. It was just perfect but she chose honesty.

Thanks, Mom and Dad for providing me a moral compass about hope and trust.