We reached an amazing step in our evolution when we normalized lying, ourselves and others. It's already a social standard too " cheat your way to the top" or using "white lies" or saying "half truths" or hiding behind "I value my intimacy" and the list can continue.
Before you jump at my neck, NO i am not pretending to be perfect i just observe what's happening around me and with me or with people that i cross paths. For a quite a few years i am trying my best to "abuse" honesty at all times and i am far from owning it but i made a promise to myself so many years ago and i am working on it, on me everyday.
Side note, although i said it before, when I write I am not expecting that somebody will read it but just in case I hope it raises a brow, it's more of a my way of therapy through writing. Therefore if you don't like it or resonate just move on as in unfollow, unfriend, block and the rest of bla bla.
I will try to have a structured approach with bullet points on the 3 areas that i deem important Family, Friends and Partner/Relationship, connecting every time to self. Here we go, let's rant!
Family
It's where you are born and the first people that you meet, you have a blood connection with them and therefore connected somehow for life. I am not talking only about parents but about the entire family. First of all we should agree that there are no perfect human beings therefore there are no perfect families and there are no perfect parents. And it will never be, just in case you are delusional and think that you will be perfect for your kid, we all fail in different ways. So i dear to say that you should relax a bit on this and just say that you are trying to be a good parent not that you don't want traumatize your kid because you will do it, for sure.
When it comes to parents:
- normal ones, they failed, and i honestly think that you should understand that they did the best they could, the best they knew having their best intentions at heart. Stop judging them so harsh . And most important stop blaming them for your current behavior. Yes they did something, they said something and you say that they traumatized you and that's why you are behaving in a certain way. You are lying to yourself because if you are ware of the actual trauma i think that from that point on it's just your decision if you are forgiving them or you continue to play the blame game just to justify your current behavior instead of actually working on it and overcoming it because you truly understand that the way you behave harms you and the ones around you.
- abusive one, and I am referring to harsh situations like physical abuse, abandonment or god knows what other actions the animal called human is capable of. This is hard but somehow the same rule applies: if you acknowledge it then work on it or play the blame game. It's hard to break ties but if you are really serious about improving your quality of life you will need to make some harsh decisions. I have met several people that were abandoned as kids and they made peace with it, meaning that instead of saying i can not due that or the other, instead of justifying their behavior because of it they stepped up and lived the best possible life with the cards they were delt. Some of them have happy families, others built admirable careers and so on. And i think the secret lies in the fact that instead of saying "I am an orphan or a single parent raised and that's why i cannot to that" or "i wasn't as lucky as others" they just focused on what they can do to be better not on what happened. They didn't lie to themselves that they cannot to do something and they didn't use it as an excuse for their current behavior and actions. I have met persons that have been physically abused by one of the parents and some of them even sexually abused and they used it as a fuel for becoming better and never used it at an excuse for their incapability. Meeting alike people who overcame their status quo and people who used it as an excuse i dare to say that it's a decision. A decision that it's hard as hell to be made but it's a decision that cand and will significantly improve your life.
And yes, maybe, i am thinking this due to the fact that i am already sick of people saying "oh i am like that because look what my parents did to me", OK i understand your trauma but what are you doing about it? or you just have the perfect excuse at hand for anything. And yes, this is called lying to yourself. We always have a choice at hand, easy or hard, but we have it.
Rest of the family
- some of them have a positive influence on you and some have a bad influence, but did you ever stop and think why did I choose the bad over the good? and if you did this, don't you think it's a good starting point for choosing the good. I know, I know it's easier not to do any changes on you and use the excuse" Yes but my granny/aunt/uncle/... did that and that's why I am like this". What a perfect lie not to go through the torments of changing yourself for the better.
Just think that all these are lies you say to yourself, as the persons around you are just witnesses or in some cases victims of your choice; you are not lying to them but in some cases or most of them they will be the victims of your self lies all due to the fact that they love you.
Friends
- proximity friends are not friends, they can become friends but don't hold like crazy to that idea. People you get close due to the fact that you live in the same area, you go to the same school, you work in the same place. Nobody says that they are bad friends and i am the biggest fan of proximity friends that grow to real friends but don't fall in the trap of friendship based on proximity in time. what i am trying to say that if at a certain point we studied/worked in the same place we got along verry well when life takes us down our individual paths is when the friendship is tested and that old memory shouldn't be the reason why we are still friends. And this is where most of us tell ourselves sweet little lies like "my oldest friend" but are they truly your friend?
- tell me who your friends are and i will tell you who you are. Maybe there are exceptions but mainly if two people are friends they share values, not principles, not ideas not fun activities, but values. Don't even let your mind jump to the lie we are just buddies, or we are just colleagues; if you spend time together (fun activities, leisure and so on) you are friends. For the sake of classification you have the really close friends that act as a confident also and know your intimate story but we can call them good friends just to make a differentiation between them and the rest. If let's say your value is that you will not steal but you have around you people that steal, then you are validating and hiding their activities which make you a accomplice. And how strong is your value? If let's say your value is that you will not cheat but you have people around you that cheat, then you are validating their behavior, so, how strong is your value? And the list can continue like this forever but i hope you get the point.
- if you start a business and the people around you are not the first ones to buy your product/service they are not your friends. If you don't support one each others dreams and efforts then what are the basis of your friendship?
- if you move on in your career, you are attending an extra school or courses and your friends are no the first ones to support you and encourage you than what are your friendship basics? people close to us should be our biggest constructive critics but also our greatest supporters.
- if you enter a relationship and you are happy about it and share the news with your friends and they are not happy for you or even worse they start saying be careful, that's not taking care of you as they don't even know the person so admit the uncomfortable truth that they don't want what's best for you as in being happy
- the oldest one in history - friendship between a woman and a man - damn this is complex, not !!!
It's simple but we prefer to lie ourselves that wow we are great awesome friends. Listen, i am not saying is not possible but you need a few prerequisites:
1. a man is by definition is a hunter, he makes the first move so if when you've met for the first time the man wanted first to f*** you and you said no, you will never be friends he is just waiting for his chance. The other way around is less probable as a woman naturally doesn't make the first move. You (woman) might think and look at him as a friend but all he does is waiting for his chance. You don't think so? Call him up one evening and tell him that you made a mistake all this time and you would want to date him for a glass of wine. If he says no (I don't think so) then congratulations you really have a male friend but i highly doubt that you have the courage to do this test as is very good for the mind to know that you have somebody there willing to get you, a fan, if only for one night but still he desires you.
2. if the man never looked at that woman in a sexual way than yes those two can be friends. You will most probably say "maybe she is waiting for her chance also", probably but she will not make the move because the risk of a turn down for a woman is worse mentally wise than for a men.
3. it evolved from a proximity friendship in which none of them had, and most importantly never expressed, a sexual desire. This can work as the basis is human quality and maybe it can evolve at a certain point in time in to a romantic relationship because they both evolved and changed in the same direction but the start was not based on sexual desire.
4. if you feel that you should hide talking with a certain friend or you see them hiding from your partner than for sure you are in the wrong relationship and that friend is where you desire to be.
5. OK, you are friends, if at any given point in time during your friendship relationship one of you touched the others intimate parts (ass, boobs, intimate organs) then that person wants to f*** you and he doesn't really cares about anything else. This is not a friendship act, stop lying to yourself. This is not even a joke if the man does it with any of his women friends. If as a woman or man you jump and say "it's just a joke" between us than why you don't do it in front of your partner? as to your way of thinking it doesn't mean anything or just think how would you feel if you would see your partner in a situation like this, would you laugh or you would think it's something between them.
6. if you were together (you had sex) you cannot be friends, you can be civilized human beings but not friends. You shared so many intimate moments and those cannot be erased. Would you feel comfortable if your partner would say I am going out for a coffee with my ex who is now a very good friend ? as opposed to i am going out for a coffee with a friend ? baseline for this being in both cases that they already introduce you to this person. And if you are ok with option 1 are you really in love with your partner or are you telling yourself a lie for the sake of comfort?
We tell ourselves so many lies when it comes to friends, it's crazy. We need relations in our lives but we need honest quality ones if we are really serious about improving our quality of life.
Partner/Relationship
Ooooohhh this one has so many twist and turns especially in todays society but I am convinced that we can have quality relationships if we have a fundament of respect, honesty and love. And let's take them one by one from the end to beginning.
LOVE
- simple, as I wrote so much about love, listen to your heart, follow it
- act in line with your heart, if you love somebody you wouldn't want to hurt them
- if you love somebody and unintentionally you've hurt them you would apologize and leave your ego aside
- love is a choice, you choose that person everyday because wow she/he makes you feel, how they support you, respect you, care for you, value you, because you find your peace in their arms, because you melt in their kiss, because their smile makes you forget all problems, because their tears wet your cheeks, because their suffering is your suffering, because you want to help them solve any tiny problem as it was yours.
HONESTY blended with respect
- if you are in the position in which you are hiding from your partner in order to see or talk to anybody, somebody else (not for romantic purposes) it's a lie and just because you do that you should stop lying to yourself that you are in the right relationship. You are in the wrong relationship either because you know you are doing something that your partner disapproves but you are still doing it either because they disapprove you seeing a friend. End the lie, take care of your heart, end the relationship. Being in a relationship means i see you and i accept you with your flaws, i accept your friends (not as mine, although it would be nice), i accept your family (not as mine, although it would be nice). Hiding damages trust and it's disrespectful. Imposing limits without arguments that they are bad for them or have a hidden agenda regarding them, on somebody's decisions of who can they meet it's wrong.
Your partner shouldn't even ask where are you going or with whom, if should come from you without being asked for as you respect them otherwise stop lying to yourself that you value your privacy and that you are in a relationship. There is a thin line between what is controlling (hype expression in our days) and what is demanding honesty. There is a thin line between what is self confidence (another hype expression in our days) and what is demanding respect.
- cheating: the greatest form of lie told within a couple. Just like with lying where us people invented white lies just to fool ourselves and justify our lies here we've put several levels and we maid it come down to personal level decision what is considered cheating so that we don't have something cross society applicable and to make it even hard on ourselves to find a partner that aligns with our values on this also. I am goin to try and take it step by step based on what I've read, the specialists I've heard talking about this, people around me and their opinions and my own personal experiences. I think this will be a long one where i might repeat myself.
When you are officially in a relationship?
a. after the first date - let's not over react because like this it would mean that most of us been in hundreds of relationships
b. after the first kiss - my view - in this world filled with potential connections at every click/swipe i think that after the first kiss you should focus only on that person, trying to get to know them and see where it goes. If you continue to talk with others not only that your energy will be divided all over the place but also you will not allocate the necessary time and energy investment to really get to know the person you just kissed. And honestly as long as the majority says that while in a relationship kissing somebody else than your partner is cheating, then i don't think it's morally correct to go around kissing everybody. And i don't even want to deep dive on the intimacy of a kiss or the medical side and all the diseases that could be transmitted just by kissing.
Fun note: several times I've heard that after the first kiss two people are in situationship not a relationship and i always wondered if you are meeting a friend on the street and you are introducing your partner how do you refer to them ?
x my friend ? I don't think so because me honestly i never wanted to f*** my friends
x my girlfriend/boyfriend? makes sense but it's bad to label your interaction and if you do it you are needy and you are hurrying stuff.
x my lover ? ooooo slow down there
x my situation ? jackpot, this is it, this sounds correct
Can you see the stupidity of the length we are willing to go just to run from a word ?
c. after the first sex - oh well this might sound correct although personally I am in the above category against all the fun that was made at my expense. Honestly if two people are dating for a couple of weeks/months and they reach the sex moment don't you think that it's a bit immoral that with one day before or exactly that day one of them dated somebody else holed hands and kissed?
d. after the discussion - I think that this is the most popular - this for me is WTF ?!? and I've wrote about it before. And I've herded it so many times from so many people (especially women) and every time my question, that didn't receive any answer, was: "so, you are trying to tell me that till the moment we have the discussion both of us are ok to date, kiss and f*** whoever they want while us two also date, kiss and f***?". If this isn't the ultimate run from responsibility and proof of immorality and actually the worst lie that a person can tell to themselves and others, then i don't know what it is.
Fun note: a friend of mine thought he was with a girl and one day she calls him verry happy " thank you darling for the flowers, they are so beautiful". He didn't send any flowers to her workplace and told her this and after a few "I am sorry" they decided that they are going to talk about it in the evening at home. She felt so bad about the mistake she did and he was really pissed trying to understand what just happened. The last part of the conversation was something like this:
X: oh, i know now from who they are. they are from a guy that i went out with
Y: really now?
X: yes, i am sorry for the situation but i don't think you're getting jealous from something like this ?
Y: actually, I am bothered, but is this an ex or what?
X: we went out on a few dates, that's all.
Y: did you kiss? f***?
X: yes, but before i met you
Y: when was the last time?
X: with one evening before i went on the first date with you
Y: and afterwards you just ghosted him?
X: yes, because I've met you and you are such an awesome guy, He should have understood.
Y: so, actually you cheated the dude with me?
X: no, because we weren't in a relationship
Moral of the story we normalized promiscuity with a lie, if we don't have the talk we aren't exclusive.
And OK let's say you choose you version and you are in a relationship, what constitutes cheating?
a. the basics dating, kissing, f***ing
b. but when it starts? maybe with that flirty behavior at work or maybe in that one girls/boys night out when you had one to many glasses or maybe in that exchange of follow/likes on social media
Honestly it doesn't really matter when, in my opinion, if you are hiding it form your partner then you know it's bad and you are CHEATING. Stop with the childish lies "it doesn't/didn't mean anything and what's the point in telling my partner" or "it happened once" or "it's just a friend" or "we just talked" or so many others. And if you are so keen on self love you should realize that from the second you were available for that short flirtatious talk on SM or at the coffee line, you are already in the wrong current relation. A smart person once said “if you love two people at the same time, choose
the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen
for the second”.
- vulnerability i would say that is one of foundation stones of a relationship. I am honest too my deep core with you trusting that you will not use that against me. If you are not in this position, stop lying to yourself as you are not in a healthy relationship but in a game of two filled with dishonesty and total lack of love.
- if you got out of a messy relationship and you become closed or even worse a shitty person stop lying by saying that you are protecting your soul and admit the truth that you are scared and work with that
RESPECT
Purely respect for yourself first of all and for the person next to you. There is no place for cursing between two people who pretend they love each other. There was a time when i was looking at certain couples and i was thinking that was their love style but they all broke up or divorced. If he/she cursed/insulted you then trust me they don't love you stop lying that it was a mistake or that's how we communicate. If he/she cheated it wasn't a mistake it was a choice don't be delusional. If he or she (yeah i know some couples where she is the one with the violence) is violent, that's not a mistake, that's not a proof of love, they don't respect you and you should stop being delusional run, run fast because next time it might be too late.
In the end we have the lies we tell ourselves society wise. I don't watch/read news because i see bad things and that depresses me - ok but you read all personal opinions about what is happening around you from Facebook, you watch personal opinions on tik tok; and that's how you get informed. It's like going to you neighbor when you are sick instead of going to a doctor. You hide behind "I take care of my mental health", NO you are saying this lie and actually you are hiding from reality hoping that it will not touch you. When the reality kicks you complain, although if you would have been informed maybe you could have avoided an uncomfortable situation. I don't vote because i don't care or the other stupid line i cannot change anything, OK, let's say you are right but then for f*** sake stop complaining if you don't play your part. You don't care because you have your money from your parents or from your job but newsflash smart ass laws impact the way you live like taxes and all and just like that you can go bankrupt or be unemployed. When a war breaks out somewhere in the world most of the people bury their heads in the ground like an ostrich, "it's not my problem", but it is your problem, people are being hurt ignoring that is not emotional protection but emotional avoidance. If you are heartless at least use that f***ing google for something good and understand that it impacts prices on goods and services.
Sad story: when the war in Ukraine started most of the "men" practiced "courage" and they were saying that if war comes to our country (Romania) they would take their partner and run. Use the phone and read how the world works instead of doing lives on tik-tok and you will find out that you cannot do that as the first things that happened after the first rocket is closed borders and blocked banks so all your precious money are blocked. What was worse was the women encouraging this behavior and i still ask myself how woman complain that there are no more real men in the world but they are the ones who encourage the men not to be men. The irony as what's a men if he is not willing to fight for his loved ones, for things higher than himself? So i dare to say stop lying that you want real men, i don't know what you want but for sure not men.
We reached a point in our society in which if we meet somebody one of the first things we ask is what do you do for work, if we tell somebody about a newly met person the first thing they ask us about that person is what do they do for work. OK, i get it maybe that says a lot about a person but don't you think you would be more true to yourself if you would ask questions like are they kind? do they have manners? do they make you smile? are they loyal? do they have values? do you have smart conversations with them? even, do they look good? are they clean? do they have any diseases? and so on. Because you see all this and many more have nothing to do with what job somebody has and they say a lot about their personality, what type of a human being are they. Somebody's job doesn't say anything about their personality and who they are, it might say something but honestly myself i saw more educated people with high paying jobs that are pieces of s*** humans than people with low end jobs.
I must touch the financial topic also. If you make a credit to buy something that's not an investment you are the banks investment but you didn't do any. What do you mean by Investment? Investment definition is an
asset acquired or invested in to build wealth and save money from the hard
earned income or appreciation. Investment meaning is primarily to obtain an
additional source of income or gain profit from the investment over a specific
period of time. So for your own sake admit the truth and stop saying that you made an investment as most probably you will never cash in a profit from there but the bank is cashing in every month a profit, it's called interest. If you want to learn how to make money look at people who made money from scratch not people who inherited it. If you want to learn about financial stability listen to people who talk about how to manage money not people who tell you how to spend money, trust me you can do that on your own also.
If somebody get's semi naked on SM or naked on OF they are not an influencer or a public person they are a modern day stripper and you are the stupid that shoves 1$ bills in their panties.
If you admire people for what they have and not for who they are you will always look up at the wrong people and surround yourself with leeches.
You are not eternal and life is not that long, 40 is not the new 20, your back cracks my friend.
I would better stop.
These are part of the lies and the real version or uncomfortable truth better said, that i heard, saw or lived; these are the ones for which i found the words to express and there so many many more. I think that the bottom line is that the real change starts when you are honest with the person in the mirror.
No comments:
Post a Comment